"In The Mean Time"

Amanda Hobbs

"In The Mean Time"
Wednesday, October 14, 2015

In the last couple of months I have struggled with a lot of different feelings. I have found myself questioning things I've always been sure of. I have struggled with coping and my attitude toward it. I have done and said things that I would not normally do or say.

What I am trying to say is, I think I'm going crazy. Well, I thought I was going crazy and then I had a talk with a very wise and honest friend. I am validated! Hear me out.

So after we got the news that we weren't pregnant, I had a really hard time. For the first couple of weeks I tried to push it to the back burner and not think about it. I was pretty successful but you see the problem with pushing it back is that you don't deal with the true feelings and devastation you are experiencing. I had to grieve. This was not normal.

Shortly thereafter, we found out that some friends of ours were pregnant and not only were they pregnant, they were pregnant with twins. I don't know why this was so upsetting to me. I was so happy for them, really, but I was so jealous too. Jealousy is an ugly, ugly monster and I promise I am working on it. It's harder than I ever expected it would be. I have since learned that being more jealous than happy for others after all of this, is a completely natural and normal response.  It doesn't make it right and I struggle with guilt for feeling the way I do, but like I said I am working on it.  This was my trigger.

After trying to get pregnant for so long, going through all of the infertility treatments and constantly being told no or just wait a little longer, all of the pain, all of the medication and side effects, all of the disappointment, I'd had enough. I could not be strong anymore.

I broke down and my anger, tears and craziness reached new heights. I broke down so bad.

I can honestly say that I have never felt so low in my life.

You know, for the most part, normally, you can control things. You can control the way you look, feel and act. You can usually have some control over the things that directly affect your life and the way you live it. You can workout if you want your body to change, you can eat different foods to make you feel better or look better. You can make different choices to better your life and learn new ways to face challenges that come up. You can control a lot of things, you know? We get used to that feeling; the feeling that you are in charge of your own destiny. You can make it happen.... But what happens when you can no longer control it? What are you supposed to do? I said in my previous post that I would just trust in My Lord; I'd leave it up to Him. I would just trust Him and that's all I could do. It's a lot harder than it sounds, my friends.

A LOT harder!

I have never experienced anything so heart wrenching. I had no idea how to deal with it and I couldn't control it. I tried praying more, I tried giving it to God, I tried (and am currently still failing) meditation and I have tried talking myself through it. Mr. H, bless his heart, tries to help. He tries to understand but he just doesn't get it. He was sad that the first try didn't work as well but he looks at it a little different.

Mr. H is a fixer and if he can't fix it, he says things to try to help ease the situation like, "It's okay, we can try again."  As much as I wish that made me feel better, I honestly can't say that it does.

It has been nearly two months and I can't say that I am completely over it, but it hurts less today than it did yesterday and I know that every day it will get better.  We are currently waiting for our next transfer date. We are blessed to be able to try again.  I have to say, in the middle of all of the heartache and pain, while we are wanting something so badly, we forget to be thankful for the things we do have. Mr. H and I have a wonderful life, family and friends and we truly are grateful for each and every one of you. :)

The before mentioned wise and honest friend of mine said to me that it's okay to feel the way I do. That my feelings are real, they matter and my prayers are heard. There is no such thing as a crystal ball that shows what's in store for me. Maybe this is a test, maybe it's a lesson in patience, maybe it is for me to have a chance to grow closer to my Lord and maybe He just wants me to be a more humble and grateful person. Any way it goes, I will be a better person for it. In the meantime, I am thankful.

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering
produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character
produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has
been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given
to us.

Romans 5:3-5