"Well...This is Harder than Expected"

Amanda Hobbs

"Well...This is Harder than Expected"
Wednesday, February 03, 2016

So it has officially been two months, and a little more, since my miscarriage and I still don't think I will ever be able to get over it. I feel a little like I sound like a sob story and I hate feeling that way but honestly, how am I supposed to be?

I have done everything I can think of to try and take my mind off of the sadness that I feel but nothing is helping. I have thrown myself into work, I have tried just hanging out with friends more often and talking about things to get them off of my chest. I have tried yoga, meditation, relaxation and prayer. It's not helping. Nothing I do can make me stop thinking about this, not for one second. I have to say, a miscarriage is the hardest thing I have EVER been through.

I think I say that about a lot of things, but this one really takes the cake.

I have turned into a bitter person and that is not me at all! I feel like I am usually a pretty outgoing person, I like to laugh and joke around. I like to share my life with the people around me (sometimes to a fault) and I like to not take life so seriously. I have not been myself. I don't smile, I don't joke, and I take everything seriously.  I am a bore to be around and everyone around me is walking on eggshells. Ugh..

I am so terrible.

I keep thinking that God is teaching me a lesson in patience and how to be more humble; at this point, it feels like it isn't God teaching me anymore; for fact, I am not sure that I even feel like he is there at all. It feels like I am drowning in my own thoughts, guilt, and pain and I can't hold my head up anymore. I hate this. I hate myself for being like this.

Having been trying for something I want so bad for more than two years now, all of the fertility treatments, all of the hormones, the roller coaster of emotions, the fear and the pain... and still no success? I mean, how much more can a girl take?  How much more humble do I need to be?


Why is everyone that I know getting pregnant? Why do I feel like I am happy for them and angry at the same time? I keep thinking that I feel guilt over the fact that I can't be overly happy for people, my friends, when they tell me that they are pregnant. Why is that?  I don't understand.  It's not that I wish that it was me instead of them, I just wish it was me as well as them and I don't know how to get over myself in order to be happy for them. I don't know if any of this makes sense at all but this is how I feel.

I pray that God gives me the strength to get through every single day. I pray that He shows me how to be stronger than I think I am. I pray that He will show me why this is happening to us and I ask Him to put it in my face, whatever it is, that I need to do to be worthy of what I am asking for. To have a child, my very own little. I just want it SO bad, it hurts. It physically hurts.

I will never understand why some people, that don't have the love to give, the want, or the means to provide a good life, can have child after child. The kids starve, they are beaten, they are abused and neglected; pushed to the side and never given the love that they so deserve. And, I, someone that has more love to give than I know what to do with and the means and the want to provide for my babies, cannot have one. All I have ever wanted was to be a mom. Why is that so hard? Why do women that hate their own flesh and blood get to be moms and I can't. It's just not fair at all.

I know, I know. Life is not fair. But, come on!!

And still, this is something I will never give up on, no matter what is thrown at me; no matter how hard it gets and no matter how much pain and suffering that we have to go through. I will always want this and I will always keep trying and pushing. One day I will be someone's mommy on this earth and it will be the happiest day of my life, but I will never forget what I have had to go through to get there. I think that this process will eventually make me a better person and parent because I have had to fight harder for it; because I will value the blessing of being a mom more than most. I know we will make it through, it just doesn't feel like it right now.

There is hope for us and I know it because of this.

A very dear friend of mine went through a miscarriage late last year and when she told me about it, it broke my heart. I had not yet gone through my miscarriage and just could not imagine what she was going through; to have all of that excitement and then just lose it, my heart just broke for her. Fast forward a couple months, meanwhile I went through my miscarriage and I had not told her, she called to tell me that she was pregnant and to ask about my last transfer. Although it was so painful to tell her about what I had gone through I knew she understood more than anyone what it felt like to live through it.  I told her what happened and that I was happy for her, and I truly am. I am so happy for her; she is one of the best people I know and she so deserves it!

She said something to me that really touched me, and for just a second or two, made me feel better.

She told me that I should rejoice in the fact that I am already a parent, that Mr. H and I are already parents together. We are parents to a beautiful little angel baby; and that no matter what happens, whether we get to be parents on earth or not, that there will always be a sweet little baby waiting for us in Heaven. She said that a friend told her the same thing and it's what got her through her miscarriage. I had not even thought of it that way.

I said before that I have not been the person that I usually am and I hate that. I am really trying to get out of my funk and get back to being me. Every now and then I think about what my sweet friend told me and it helps. If it only helps for a second or two, that's a second or two closer to me getting back to normal and a second or two of complete bliss. Knowing that my little will be on the other side of the pearly gates waiting for me, makes me excited for the day I get to meet him or her. It makes living trough all of the pain and sadness that I feel a little more bearable.

I feel like this post is my saddest one yet and I am sorry to all of you that are reading this for a positive reading experience. I want to be honest and tell you all like it is. This process is full of every emotion under the sun and the ugly truth is that these things happen when you are going through IVF. Unfortunately my journey hasn't been easy and until the day I hold my baby in my arms, it will continue to be that way.  I have been depressed for two months and the only positive thing I can think of through all of my pain is knowing that we still have two more embryos and we can have another shot at it soon.

We are scheduled for another transfer at the end of February and let's hope this one works. I pray that I will get pregnant and stay pregnant this time.  I pray that Mr. H and I never have to experience what we have already been through so far. I have faith that God will provide and I pray that it will be this time.

Until next time, my friends. I'll be anxious to share!