"The Struggle is Real"

Amanda Hobbs

"The Struggle is Real"
Thursday, July 30, 2015

I would love to tell you that this whole process has been exciting and glamorous (because that's what I expected it to be) but I just can't. In fact, it has been the complete opposite!

It's been frustrating, painful and humbling.

Of course we are so ready and excited about having a little one we can hardly stand it, he/she can't get here fast enough!

Now, I'm sure that part will be exciting and glamorous!

So after we met with Dr. K we set up an appointment for a baseline sonogram and labs. (There will be about 8 million more of these before this is over) Everything on my end came back normal and we got the okay to start! Yay! Here we go! Now, between Dr. K and my mom, (who is a gestational surrogate) I felt like I had a general idea of what was going to happen. I guess I just didn't realize that it wouldn't be as easy as my mom makes it look.

By the way, I feel like the slogan for IVF should be, "Expect the unexpected."  And someone should have told me! Like it should be in the brochure or on a billboard!! Something! 


So, the first thing I had to do was start a birth control regimen. Now, I have been on birth control before so I had a pretty good idea of how that was going to go. My poor husband... :(  I really don't know how he puts up with me. Anyway, I had to take birth control for a month and 3 days. I was over it on day 5. They say that you have to take the birth control so that it can "reset the ovaries." I don't really know what that means, but the doctor told me that it basically keeps things calm for a little while before we'd get started. I didn't feel calm though. I felt like I was going to scream at everything/anyone that I came into contact with. And the road rage... Geez! I am normally a pretty sane person but there is something in those pills that makes me come unhinged!!

If you ask Mr. H, sane probably isn't the exact word he would choose to describe me, but you get the point.

So I've been a walking hormone for the past couple of months... No bigs!

Next was the Hysteroscopy.

A Hysteroscopy is a procedure that is done using a hysteroscope, a thin, lighted tube that is inserted into the vagina to examine the cervix and inside of the uterus.

So if you have never experienced this, I am jealous and I recommend that you don't.

I walked into the exam room with the expectation that it was going to be uncomfortable... Thanks, Google! I knew what the procedure was and what I thought I should expect but when I saw the room I freaked! Of course they had your basic table, stirrups and speculum; there was also an ultrasound machine. I am familiar with those but the 10" metal rod, (the fore mentioned thin, lighted tube) red bio-hazard bag and the plethora of what can only be described as 'puppy pee pads' came as a surprise to me. 

I can't tell you how nervous/scared/vulnerable I felt.  The nurse reassured me that the procedure would only take about five minutes and that I probably wouldn't feel anything. If I did feel anything, it would only be some slight cramping, nothing bad. I would love to tell you that what she told me made me feel better or that I put on my big girl panties and sucked it up... But the fact of the matter is, I wasn't wearing panties and I was still terrified. I later found out that I had a very good reason to be!! O_o

We started by doing a regular old sonogram; I'm used to this by now. After that, we did a mock transfer. Mock transfer just means that he was practicing placing a baby into my uterus. All I could concentrate on at that point was the speculum. No big deal, now I am starting to think that it won't be so bad... I was wrong! I will spare you all of the details, but I will say that we learned that day that my cervix takes a few turns and it is no match for straight metal instruments. IT HURT!!! I really felt like I could kick him, hard, and never feel any remorse for it!

I never want to do that again in my life.

I can only imagine what child birth will be like.... That's what epidurals are for though!

I catch a lot of flak when I tell people that, "I never want to do... again," and I guess I can understand where they are coming from. Maybe before we started this journey, I would have said the same things they do but having gone through it you feel a little differently.

I would absolutely do it all over again if I needed to. I, like most of you would do anything so that I could hold my very own little bundle of joy.  I will be the happiest girl on Earth the day I get to see my little for the first time, but this process is the absolute hardest thing I have ever had to put myself through.

The emotions that I never even knew I could have. The way my husband tears up when he sees me having to give myself injections as he apologizes and blames himself. (That was the hardest thing I have experienced so far) The selfishness I shouldn't feel but do every time I have to stick a needle in my stomach and rub the stinging lumps out of it. It is so hard and every time I say, "I really don't want to do this."

I sometimes feel guilty because I feel the way I do but I am only human. I can't help it, and you know what? It's okay. It's okay to have those feelings, it's okay to cry and it's okay to say, "I really don't want to do this!"

I know it isn't always easy and I struggle every single day with the fears and emotions  and the back and forth in my head.

The struggle is real, y'all!

......"Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming!"